Lately my days are starting very dark indeed.
My interactions with my partner are getting more and more fractured.
Every time something happens I react negatively. Every sound sets me off into an internal rage and silent screaming.
The only resolution I can come up with is walking away. But from what?
I can’t get away from inside my head. I live in a van with my partner and, when we are sharing that space, I can’t exactly get away from her. Especially if it’s late at night.
I have started to literally walk around the van to reset my situation and feel some fresh air on my skin.
I am struggling to feel anything at the moment apart from hurt and upset. I am constantly close to crying and my head is constantly close to exploding.
my partner and I recently moved into a small camper van to save … Read the rest
I haven’t posted in over a week. And what a strange couple of weeks it has been.
I am back at my partners house after leaving for a few days to get my head straight from weeks of peaking and plummeting.
I completed my CBT a few days ago and now feel I have the information to completely change how I approach situations and how I react to negativity around me in a way that doesn’t trigger my depression. It’s going to take some time, but I am going to do it. I am determined to work extremely hard to make sure I progress mentally.
I have been over-thinking constantly for the past few weeks. It’s been so tiring. My head is like an over crowded train and the end of the track is broken and below the track there is a canyon called Despair. If I don’t stop the … Read the rest
I’ve had a few confusing and upsetting days of late. The feelings of uselessness and hopelessness have taken over and nearly ruined my days with my girlfriend. I was so upset at a moment, and reacted badly, that I got in the car and drove off for an while. I am struggling with dealing with small, some would say, incidental situations. This is why I am going and have Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). To help me think about my thoughts (I know that sounds strange) and change how I react to the world around me.
Taking CBT is making me realise that owning your own thoughts and not projecting is the first step to truly changing. That includes owning up to how you are and your depression. And how your thoughts and actions can impact on others.
I now realise that admitting to yourself and others, that you have depression … Read the rest
Today I want to talk about how my life is. I haven’t posted like this for a while because I have been so wrapped up in holding things together.
I have been to m CBT each week for the last four weeks. I am still on my meds. I am still sending my CV out for work and getting nothing back. I am still doodling and creating colouring books in the hope that something will come my way.
The reason I want to create this post is to let you know how I am coping with my depression and all the life changes.
The answer is: not very well. I spend most of my days battling my depression and trying not to call my son asking him to come and rescue me from myself. I battle telling my girlfriend that I want to be on my own and away from … Read the rest
What I want to talk about is how doodling and drawing helped me recover from my worst episode of depression in 2012.
The year before (2011) I had lost my job, house and car. I was renting my mums house and was on benefits. I had no idea where my life was going and how I was going to get well again. I was in a cycle of working too hard and allowing my depression to take hold. I once again let it take everything I had worked hard for. I was completely lost.
As part of the promotional work, for the company I was trying to create in 2012, I started to draw strange and intricate doodle illustrations as a way of connecting with potential customers. One is pictured below:
At the time I didn’t know important these mad illustrations would be in my recovery with manic depression. Or … Read the rest
I woke with a cloud above me head this morning. For many reasons I spend a lot of time thinking and dreaming about my relationship. Because it’s new, I have been on my own for over five years and I generally find it quite difficult to add other emotional situations to my illness. So I spend time trying to work out what’s right and wrong.
I have been blessed with meeting the most incredibly beautiful, genuine, loving and supportive woman. I want to get this right for us. I don’t want my depression to take over and ruin another great situation in my life.
Anyway, my point from the title of the post is; At the beginning of the day, amount of time I think about not getting the day wrong means I am spending less valuable time actually working on getting my day right. So much so, that my … Read the rest
I know it’s a strange title and a very strange thing to admit. No one wants to admit to being paranoid. But given the shoes I have walked in and the footsteps behind me, it’s understandable. I do have some issues with paranoia and to add to that a huge mistrust in others. It’s my self protect mechanism from getting emotionally hurt. I am always on my guard and aware of how others can treat you and manipulate you.
I am always hesitant at writing things like, Life has been tough, it hasn’t been easy or even, I’ve struggled because I know there are many many more people out in the real world who have had it a lot tougher than I have. But, it hasn’t been easy.
My paranoia comes deep within, and without going into too many details, comes from my childhood. I know this, because I have … Read the rest
Throughout this site (to date), I haven’t mentioned my partners name. The main reasons are; Firstly, I wanted to ask her permission and secondly, I also wanted her to read my blog first so she understood what I was trying to do with it. She may have been alarmed or ashamed, I wanted to be sure.
My partner, Iza, and I have been chatting since we started dating about doing something creative together. Many conversations later, we have agreed to commence with the idea of Monkeys in my head productions. So what is it? The primary idea is: A YouTube channel where Iza and I discuss mental health issues and how creativity can support a healthier life for those living with mental health issues.
Iza works in the care industry and has vast knowledge of mental health. She is the perfect person to create this site with.
So why am … Read the rest
After spending three weeks dealing with my monkeys and trying to stop them from ruining my life again, I finally managed to get two days with my partner. And it was just what I needed.
Since 2015 she had planned a trip to Paris and London with her cousin from the US. For a few weeks before it actually happened, I had been panicking about having people I didn’t know around me when I was feeling unstable. And slightly stressed about being in the house on my own. When they returned from their trip, I didn’t want to embarrass my partner by hiding myself away while her visitors were around. I was aware that they may think that she’s living with a lunatic.
It turns out I was ok and the monkeys were kind-of behaved. Well, I had a few days where things went manic and they were throwing shit … Read the rest
Do you know how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone you love and know that at some point your depression is going to hurt them or make them leave? And it doesn’t matter how many times she tells you that she loves you despite your illness, it doesn’t change that feeling and thought process.
To know in your heart; because of it, you aren’t right for them. And you start to notice that your depression is starting to become the unstable foundation for strange changes in the relationship.
The reason for this post is: last night I picked my partner up from work. She began to tell me about her day. She talked about a man at work who makes her laugh and that triggered a depressive episode.
All I could think was that she must come home to me and the monkeys in my head. … Read the rest