Work and my illness

I was at a real low. No work. Relying on my partner for food and a roof over my head.

I wanted some self respect back.

I applied for all kinds of jobs.

170 plus job applications to Jobs I had been doing all my career and nothing. No interviews or even a sniff of work.

So I started applying for casual work.

I got a great job with Royal Mail sorting mail. I absolutely loved it. But the contact ended.

I then applied for stores and got a job at HB.

I got a chance at an interview and smashed it. I got a induction date. I was so excited that someone was giving me the opportunity.

I went for the induction because I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself.

I did the first day of training and hated every minute.

Smile to the customers. Make … Read the rest

Being genuine and honest

Being honest and genuine is something, as a creative dealing with depression, I have to deal with on a daily basis.

No just in daily life but with my work.

There are so many creatives out there making a living copying other creatives work and passing it off as their own original work.

There are many fan artists out there making a living copying large companies work, characters, ideas, and passing them off as their own work.

As you can see from my crazy and mad illustrations that I spend all my time making sure my work is original and cannot found anywhere else.

I find it extremely frustrating to see artists like this all over the place, especially when it is so difficult to create something original and make it a success.

This is only a rant, I’m really sorry if it offends but I’m illustrating everyday and every … Read the rest

What the fuck is wrong with me!?

Well the trip to Samye Ling went well. Apart from my two meltdowns, it was a great weekend.

I’m so focused on everything going wrong that I’m missing all the times that are right. I’m so untrusting that I make life with me almost unbearable. Why would anyone want to be with someone like that. It makes no sense.

I don’t feel right for anyone.

I was supposed to have my CBT yesterday and it was cancelled. Instead of spending a nice day with my partner. It turned into a shit day because I can’t keep my thoughts in check. I’m a fucking moron. And, if fucking autocorrects to ducking one more time, I’m going to pinch my own eye till all I can see is blackness.

My mind is a pile of shit sometimes. And it’s connected to the stupid hole in the front of my face that makes … Read the rest

Well deserved trip to Samye Ling

Me and my partner are just about to set off on a trip to one of my favourite places in the world … Samye Ling Buddhist Monastery in Scotland.

I have never been with anyone else. This will be a different trip to the last time I went back in 2012.

Back then I needed to be away from everything and everyone to recentre and find myself. Now I know that sounds pretentious and hippy-dippy but it’s true. I was going through an awful time and needed to just figure out my own head and where I was in my life back then.

To some degree it worked. I was definitely calmer that I was before I went. I definitely knew where i needed to go next and I felt a sense of purpose like never before. Then only problem was; I wanted and needed a less stressful life. So … Read the rest

Starting CBT – yay!!

I just wanted to write a quick about starting CBT yesterday. For those who don’t know, CBT stands for Cognitive behaviour Therapy. “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is an evidence based psychotherapy that offers brief, consistent and effective ways to change.”What I’m hoping to achieve is…. changing the way I approach and react to certain triggers to my depression. I want to slowly change my thinking on stressful and potentially harmful situations. I want to become stronger. So even when I’m feeling depressed and stressed, it doesn’t take over and get worse, for me and those around me. I also want to find mindfulness again, in my daily life. It’s been easy to forget my mindful techniques with all the big changes that have been going on in my life and I need them back. I’m hoping that CBT, along with counselling and my meds, will enable me to get a hold … Read the rest