Well the trip to Samye Ling went well. Apart from my two meltdowns, it was a great weekend.
I’m so focused on everything going wrong that I’m missing all the times that are right. I’m so untrusting that I make life with me almost unbearable. Why would anyone want to be with someone like that. It makes no sense.
I don’t feel right for anyone.
I was supposed to have my CBT yesterday and it was cancelled. Instead of spending a nice day with my partner. It turned into a shit day because I can’t keep my thoughts in check. I’m a fucking moron. And, if fucking autocorrects to ducking one more time, I’m going to pinch my own eye till all I can see is blackness.
My mind is a pile of shit sometimes. And it’s connected to the stupid hole in the front of my face that makes … Read the rest
Me and my partner are just about to set off on a trip to one of my favourite places in the world … Samye Ling Buddhist Monastery in Scotland.
I have never been with anyone else. This will be a different trip to the last time I went back in 2012.
Back then I needed to be away from everything and everyone to recentre and find myself. Now I know that sounds pretentious and hippy-dippy but it’s true. I was going through an awful time and needed to just figure out my own head and where I was in my life back then.
To some degree it worked. I was definitely calmer that I was before I went. I definitely knew where i needed to go next and I felt a sense of purpose like never before. Then only problem was; I wanted and needed a less stressful life. So … Read the rest
What I want to talk about is how doodling and drawing helped me recover from my worst episode of depression in 2012.
The year before (2011) I had lost my job, house and car. I was renting my mums house and was on benefits. I had no idea where my life was going and how I was going to get well again. I was in a cycle of working too hard and allowing my depression to take hold. I once again let it take everything I had worked hard for. I was completely lost.
As part of the promotional work, for the company I was trying to create in 2012, I started to draw strange and intricate doodle illustrations as a way of connecting with potential customers. One is pictured below:
At the time I didn’t know important these mad illustrations would be in my recovery with manic depression. Or … Read the rest
I just wanted to write a quick about starting CBT yesterday. For those who don’t know, CBT stands for Cognitive behaviour Therapy. “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is an evidence based psychotherapy that offers brief, consistent and effective ways to change.”What I’m hoping to achieve is…. changing the way I approach and react to certain triggers to my depression. I want to slowly change my thinking on stressful and potentially harmful situations. I want to become stronger. So even when I’m feeling depressed and stressed, it doesn’t take over and get worse, for me and those around me. I also want to find mindfulness again, in my daily life. It’s been easy to forget my mindful techniques with all the big changes that have been going on in my life and I need them back. I’m hoping that CBT, along with counselling and my meds, will enable me to get a hold … Read the rest
I’ve had a strange few of days. Being in a new relationship is definitely making me re-think who I truly am. I’m thinking so much, I am tired all time. It’s strange! I don’t mind at all because I am learning more about myself, and my place in this world, than I ever have before. I put it down to age, maturity and education, but my partner says it’s because of how we feel about each other.
To better understand myself and make sense of things, I have started writing notes on my phone when a situation occurs. Here a few from last week …..
I sit waiting for you to to get test hoping you don’t wear something that will bring attention to us. I just want to hide most of the time.
I’ve never felt the need to be needed or loved before now.
Every day I hope … Read the rest