I know it’s a strange title and a very strange thing to admit. No one wants to admit to being paranoid. But given the shoes I have walked in and the footsteps behind me, it’s understandable. I do have some issues with paranoia and to add to that a huge mistrust in others. It’s my self protect mechanism from getting emotionally hurt. I am always on my guard and aware of how others can treat you and manipulate you.
I am always hesitant at writing things like, Life has been tough, it hasn’t been easy or even, I’ve struggled because I know there are many many more people out in the real world who have had it a lot tougher than I have. But, it hasn’t been easy.
My paranoia comes deep within, and without going into too many details, comes from my childhood. I know this, because I have spent years and years dissecting and trying to understand who I am and my place in this mess. It also comes from being used and manipulated throughout my career. And I hear you saying, “Well you let is happen!!”, that may be true to some degree but we do set off trusting, then before you know it someone inevitably does something to remove the trust. It’s happened time and time again. I am sure a lot of you can relate this.
But where I am now is; conscious of it. Knowing who you are is a great foundation to build a deeper understanding of trust and allow yourself to become a little more vulnerable everyday. I feel this will also make me stronger and build more solid relationships with those around me.
As I am writing this, I am aware that it’s a lot easier to write than it is to implement, but I do feel, with the right people around me it won’t be the bumpy road I am used to travelling.