How not to begin your day!!
I woke with a cloud above me head this morning. For many reasons I spend a lot of time thinking and dreaming about my relationship. Because it’s new, I have been on my own for over five years and I generally find it quite difficult to add other emotional situations to my illness. So I spend time trying to work out what’s right and wrong.
I have been blessed with meeting the most incredibly beautiful, genuine, loving and supportive woman. I want to get this right for us. I don’t want my depression to take over and ruin another great situation in my life.
Anyway, my point from the title of the post is; At the beginning of the day, amount of time I think about not getting the day wrong means I am spending less valuable time actually working on getting my day right. So much so, that my head is puzzled, swirling, whirring with all kinds of unnecessary thoughts, which add to the general feeling of being useless and depression.
You may think it’s weird that I know this about myself and it keeps happening, trust me, I do too.
I spend nearly fifteen hours of my day on my own writing this blog, creating colouring books and thinking about how I can become a useful member of the relationship. This sounds like an excuse but it’s just to paint a picture of my usual day. That is if the monkeys don’t start arsing around and I end up sad (yes, sad)! on the sofa trying to get them to sleep.
To find out how to combat this part of my illness, I had an assessment and have recently received a letter from the local mental health organisation to start treatment using CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), so I fully understand the underlying reasons why I have these thought processes.
I am writing this post because I caused a situation this morning which was centred around my feeling of uselessness. I don’t want to continue down this route. Who wants to be with someone who feels that way about themselves!?
I am going to lose her, if I don’t seek help and I can’t let that happen. She means that world to me. I know I am better than this and she deserves the best me.