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    Touched by the son …

    Saturday’s were always the same. Wait for my Dad to let us out of our bedroom, usually after he’d been to the toilet. Go downstairs – quietly. Sit on the sofa in silence, making sure our feet weren’t up on the cushions. Wait for Mum to come downstairs to see if she had a black-eye, I couldn’t look at her if she did – Dad would stare and frown at me. Dad had the bushiest eyebrows in the world, they scared me. Dad scared me.

    Dad would sit in his usual chair beside the door to the stairs reading his paper. He was the gatekeeper to all of our nice things in our bedrooms. You see, I couldn’t have toys downstairs, it would make too much of a mess, plus Dad doesn’t like the noise children make. And I couldn’t play upstairs because the noise from the ceiling would disturb … Read the rest

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    An eternal, comforting embrace

    There was a girl. One of five that summer. There had been so many before her, too many in my wavering opinion. It wasn’t my fault, location added to my appeal. I was in the centre of beautiful woodland, picturesque surroundings and it was remote. If we needed privacy, we would certainly get it here. I declare, she was definitely the prettiest of them all. I will never forget her beauty or how her lustrous skin felt as we touched for the first time.

    On this particular summer’s morning, she stopped for longer than usual. She stood, silently staring across the unbroken, tranquil surface of the manor’s deepest lake, where I lay.

    The morning sun shone across her troubled brow. For a solitary moment, I felt a deeply, undisturbed hope, things would be different this time. Her long blonde hair, flowing, shimmering gold in the dawning sun and refracting only … Read the rest

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  • Manic depression and a normal working life

    I want to talk about work and depression.
    After I experienced an epic breakdown myself five years ago, I was forced to evaluate my life and career. This wasn’t the first time. In 2001 I had a million-pound company and lost everything to my manic depression. Once again in 2011 I lost everything I had worked hard for to the monkeys in my head. And this year, 2017, I have also had a sense that I could possibly lose everything to them. But, unlike before, this time I am fully aware of the repercussions and want to try an understand why, so I don’t repeat the same situation and I want to break the vicious cycle.
    BTW, when I say “love everything”, I mean: lifestyle, money, car, house … etc. Material possessions and some friends. What I didn’t lose was the love from my son, my family and a handful … Read the rest

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A punch in the head

Lately my days are starting very dark indeed.

My interactions with my partner are getting more and more fractured.

Every time something happens I react negatively. Every sound sets me off into an internal rage and silent screaming.

The only resolution I can come up with is walking away. But from what?

I can’t get away from inside my head. I live in a van with my partner and, when we are sharing that space, I can’t exactly get away from her. Especially if it’s late at night.

I have started to literally walk around the van to reset my situation and feel some fresh air on my skin.

I am struggling to feel anything at the moment apart from hurt and upset. I am constantly close to crying and my head is constantly close to exploding.

my partner and I recently moved into a small camper van to save … Read the rest

Work and my illness

I was at a real low. No work. Relying on my partner for food and a roof over my head.

I wanted some self respect back.

I applied for all kinds of jobs.

170 plus job applications to Jobs I had been doing all my career and nothing. No interviews or even a sniff of work.

So I started applying for casual work.

I got a great job with Royal Mail sorting mail. I absolutely loved it. But the contact ended.

I then applied for stores and got a job at HB.

I got a chance at an interview and smashed it. I got a induction date. I was so excited that someone was giving me the opportunity.

I went for the induction because I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself.

I did the first day of training and hated every minute.

Smile to the customers. Make … Read the rest

Life’s rollercoaster

I haven’t posted in over a week. And what a strange couple of weeks it has been.

I am back at my partners house after leaving for a few days to get my head straight from weeks of peaking and plummeting.

I completed my CBT a few days ago and now feel I have the information to completely change how I approach situations and how I react to negativity around me in a way that doesn’t trigger my depression. It’s going to take some time, but I am going to do it. I am determined to work extremely hard to make sure I progress mentally.

I have been over-thinking constantly for the past few weeks. It’s been so tiring. My head is like an over crowded train and the end of the track is broken and below the track there is a canyon called Despair. If I don’t stop the … Read the rest

Owning up to your thoughts

I’ve had a few confusing and upsetting days of late. The feelings of uselessness and hopelessness have taken over and nearly ruined my days with my girlfriend. I was so upset at a moment, and reacted badly, that I got in the car and drove off for an while. I am struggling with dealing with small, some would say, incidental situations. This is why I am going and have Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). To help me think about my thoughts (I know that sounds strange) and change how I react to the world around me.

Taking CBT is making me realise that owning your own thoughts and not projecting is the first step to truly changing. That includes owning up to how you are and your depression. And how your thoughts and actions can impact on others.

I now realise that admitting to yourself and others, that you have depression … Read the rest

Today’s daily depressive thoughts

I’m tired and lost

I don’t know which I am the most

The truth about me … I’m lonely. I always want to be alone. Away from this life, I don’t want to call my own

I can’t connect with anything.

I feel hollow and numb. I very attempt to think sends me tired.

The sound of someone eating, the breath of a loved one, the crash of cutlery, the scrape of a plate sends me cold.

I can’t find the right things to say or do, but when I do it’s the same old shit that’s been in my head for years.

I’ve got stress coming from all sides

It’s all in my mind is all I hear

What does “me” mean? How and when do you know who you truly are?

I am already at a time in my life where I don’t care about what people think … Read the rest

Being genuine and honest

Being honest and genuine is something, as a creative dealing with depression, I have to deal with on a daily basis.

No just in daily life but with my work.

There are so many creatives out there making a living copying other creatives work and passing it off as their own original work.

There are many fan artists out there making a living copying large companies work, characters, ideas, and passing them off as their own work.

As you can see from my crazy and mad illustrations that I spend all my time making sure my work is original and cannot found anywhere else.

I find it extremely frustrating to see artists like this all over the place, especially when it is so difficult to create something original and make it a success.

This is only a rant, I’m really sorry if it offends but I’m illustrating everyday and every … Read the rest

When life doesn’t get better

Today I want to talk about how my life is. I haven’t posted like this for a while because I have been so wrapped up in holding things together.

I have been to m CBT each week for the last four weeks. I am still on my meds. I am still sending my CV out for work and getting nothing back. I am still doodling and creating colouring books in the hope that something will come my way.

The reason I want to create this post is to let you know how I am coping with my depression and all the life changes.

The answer is: not very well. I spend most of my days battling my depression and trying not to call my son asking him to come and rescue me from myself. I battle telling my girlfriend that I want to be on my own and away from … Read the rest

Living a normal life with the monkeys

In a world where everyone seems to want a voice, wants to be a YouTube star or a successful world-renowned artist, what it normal!?

The dictionary definition is:

normal
ˈnɔːm(ə)l/Submit
adjective
1.
conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
“it’s quite normal for puppies to bolt their food”
synonyms: usual, standard, typical, stock, common, ordinary, customary, conventional, habitual, accustomed, expected, wonted, everyday, regular, routine, day-to-day, daily, established, settled, set, fixed, traditional, quotidian, prevailing More

It was a rhetorical question in the beginning, but I think it’s worth asking. My personal explanation is; there’s no such thing as normal. Everyone has their own filter. Their own life experiences which they filter the world around them with. If you’ve got monkeys in your head, as I have, it’s adds a whole other complex dimension to that filter.

If you’ve had a tough childhood, been bullied at all or have any kind … Read the rest

What the fuck is wrong with me!?

Well the trip to Samye Ling went well. Apart from my two meltdowns, it was a great weekend.

I’m so focused on everything going wrong that I’m missing all the times that are right. I’m so untrusting that I make life with me almost unbearable. Why would anyone want to be with someone like that. It makes no sense.

I don’t feel right for anyone.

I was supposed to have my CBT yesterday and it was cancelled. Instead of spending a nice day with my partner. It turned into a shit day because I can’t keep my thoughts in check. I’m a fucking moron. And, if fucking autocorrects to ducking one more time, I’m going to pinch my own eye till all I can see is blackness.

My mind is a pile of shit sometimes. And it’s connected to the stupid hole in the front of my face that makes … Read the rest

Well deserved trip to Samye Ling

Me and my partner are just about to set off on a trip to one of my favourite places in the world … Samye Ling Buddhist Monastery in Scotland.

I have never been with anyone else. This will be a different trip to the last time I went back in 2012.

Back then I needed to be away from everything and everyone to recentre and find myself. Now I know that sounds pretentious and hippy-dippy but it’s true. I was going through an awful time and needed to just figure out my own head and where I was in my life back then.

To some degree it worked. I was definitely calmer that I was before I went. I definitely knew where i needed to go next and I felt a sense of purpose like never before. Then only problem was; I wanted and needed a less stressful life. So … Read the rest

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