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    Touched by the son …

    Saturday’s were always the same. Wait for my Dad to let us out of our bedroom, usually after he’d been to the toilet. Go downstairs – quietly. Sit on the sofa in silence, making sure our feet weren’t up on the cushions. Wait for Mum to come downstairs to see if she had a black-eye, I couldn’t look at her if she did – Dad would stare and frown at me. Dad had the bushiest eyebrows in the world, they scared me. Dad scared me.

    Dad would sit in his usual chair beside the door to the stairs reading his paper. He was the gatekeeper to all of our nice things in our bedrooms. You see, I couldn’t have toys downstairs, it would make too much of a mess, plus Dad doesn’t like the noise children make. And I couldn’t play upstairs because the noise from the ceiling would disturb … Read the rest

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    An eternal, comforting embrace

    There was a girl. One of five that summer. There had been so many before her, too many in my wavering opinion. It wasn’t my fault, location added to my appeal. I was in the centre of beautiful woodland, picturesque surroundings and it was remote. If we needed privacy, we would certainly get it here. I declare, she was definitely the prettiest of them all. I will never forget her beauty or how her lustrous skin felt as we touched for the first time.

    On this particular summer’s morning, she stopped for longer than usual. She stood, silently staring across the unbroken, tranquil surface of the manor’s deepest lake, where I lay.

    The morning sun shone across her troubled brow. For a solitary moment, I felt a deeply, undisturbed hope, things would be different this time. Her long blonde hair, flowing, shimmering gold in the dawning sun and refracting only … Read the rest

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  • Manic depression and a normal working life

    I want to talk about work and depression.
    After I experienced an epic breakdown myself five years ago, I was forced to evaluate my life and career. This wasn’t the first time. In 2001 I had a million-pound company and lost everything to my manic depression. Once again in 2011 I lost everything I had worked hard for to the monkeys in my head. And this year, 2017, I have also had a sense that I could possibly lose everything to them. But, unlike before, this time I am fully aware of the repercussions and want to try an understand why, so I don’t repeat the same situation and I want to break the vicious cycle.
    BTW, when I say “love everything”, I mean: lifestyle, money, car, house … etc. Material possessions and some friends. What I didn’t lose was the love from my son, my family and a handful … Read the rest

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The curse of over-thinking

After spending three weeks dealing with my monkeys and trying to stop them from ruining my life again, I finally managed to get two days with my partner. And it was just what I needed.

Since 2015 she had planned a trip to Paris and London with her cousin from the US. For a few weeks before it actually happened, I had been panicking about having people I didn’t know around me when I was feeling unstable. And slightly stressed about being in the house on my own. When they returned from their trip, I didn’t want to embarrass my partner by hiding myself away while her visitors were around. I was aware that they may think that she’s living with a lunatic.

It turns out I was ok and the monkeys were kind-of behaved. Well, I had a few days where things went manic and they were throwing shit … Read the rest

Wait for my signal . . . .

THERE HE IS – GET HIM! was all I heard as I walked through the main gates of my school. I looked over at my left shoulder to see Kevin and Dean running as fast as their 13 year old legs could carry them in my direction. I turned in an instance, knowing full-well they were after me, and dug the fronts of my new Reebok trainers into the pavement and started running towards home. Home was only three streets away, down New hill, but it may as well have been on the dark side of the moon. It felt like an eternity from hearing those words to seeing my front door.

As a thirteen year old, I had already experienced more than my fair share of confrontation and violence at school and at home, so a run home from the school bullies was all part of my daily grind. … Read the rest

life loneliness love longing

Life’s first sketch dictates, from our life’s dawning, that we stand alone in an autonomous existence. But time has other organic concepts of our natural place in the cosmos. We seek closeness, yearn for touch and tenderness, take that away and what is left is an emptiness in the ether?

We overhear societies whispers, we are not meant to be alone, you need more friends than your friends, you must not die alone, you need love for your soul to flourish. By life’s meandering pathways and darkest mazes lead us into lonelier moments.

The strangeness of the situation lies in the decision to stay  lonely, only ending a 2 year relationship yesterday.

Sad Selfish Sorrow Survive.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

Loneliness is life’s default state.

A nothingness I yearn to be a something.

A missed lost love is a lonely clock, ticking away time.… Read the rest

A life turned upside down . . . .

My breath is the only sound I hear. I feel desperate to sense the noise of another something. Anything. Preferably a comforting sound. The bark of a dog, the rustling of some trees or maybe children playing. Anything will let me know I am not alone.

The last thing I remember is the taste of the loosely woven fabric, cotton wool I am sure of it. And the sensation of a nice deep sleep, a sleep without dreams. I wake up with a overwhelming sense of calm after a sleep without dreams. My dreams are normally filled with my life’s pressures. Others I have wronged and others I feel are trying to hurt me in some way.

I don’t know how long I have been like this. Time escapes me. Its quite a nice feeling. The pace of now is set by the rhythmic movements of my inner self. My … Read the rest

The tears of a clown

Bingo was the happiest clown in the circus. He was naturally jolly and always had a smile on his face.

The doors of Bingo’s caravan were thrown open. Flashes of bright white light were being directed into his eyes. Multiple voices were ringing in his ears. ‘BINGO THE CLOWN, GET UP, GET OUTTA BED. YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR MURDER’.

‘Wha, what! what’s going on? what!’. Bingo couldn’t believe what was happening. Only seconds before he had been dreaming of dancing in the woods with all of his circus friends as the morning sun shone it’s beautiful rays of fresh daylight through the tree tops onto their playful activities.

Bingo quickly got into his usual clothes – massive green clown shoes, extra large blue trousers, extra stretchy yellow bracers, giant red polka-dot rotating bow-tie, his pink bowler hat with the yellow carnation in its white brim ribbon and he stepped … Read the rest

Relationships: state of your status

Do you know how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone you love and know that at some point your depression is going to hurt them or make them leave? And it doesn’t matter how many times she tells you that she loves you despite your illness, it doesn’t change that feeling and thought process.

To know in your heart; because of it, you aren’t right for them. And you start to notice that your depression is starting to become the unstable foundation for strange changes in the relationship.

The reason for this post is: last night I picked my partner up from work. She began to tell me about her day. She talked about a man at work who makes her laugh and that triggered a depressive episode.

All I could think was that she must come home to me and the monkeys in my head. … Read the rest

Unconditional Love, warmth and understanding

I don’t want to simply write about how depression is affecting me negatively. You may be surprised that there are some positives to depression. Not living with it or suffering from it, but from the times when there is a glimmer of light.

There are very few things in life that have the weight and power to break me from the monkeys in my head and allow me a moment to be at peace in my mind.

I have spoken about this before, but a constant in my life which gives me real joy is my son. Since as early as I can remember, whenever I am near him, the monkeys are calm. They are chilled possibly sleeping.

When I receive a text from him simply saying “Hi Dad, how are you!”, everything feels right again. He often sends me texts saying that he’s thinking of me and that he … Read the rest

The monkeys go mad after leaving university

Where to start with this . . . . what a hell of a few months.

There have been so many huge changes in my life recently and it’s kickstarted the depression I thought I had licked.

I’d been managing the monkeys in my head all the way through my course by seeing a lovely councillor who was in residence at our institute. Just being able to talk to someone who wasn’t emotionally involved in my life was a great relief. I could be affected by daily events and not worry, because I knew I could chat about it that week. It wasn’t a continual situation, and wasn’t that regular, but to know that support was there was a great help.

So with this help, my monkeys were calm and when they were raucous and disrupting, I could reach out and talk to someone who had the correct bananas to … Read the rest

The guilt of letting people down

I wanted to write this blog post because it’s something that has been part of my depression for as long as I can remember. I have always carried the guilt of letting people down. Whether is be friends, family, work colleagues or partners.

It begins with me not getting involved in social situations because I don’t know whether my depression is going to a major factor on event day. I can almost guarantee that it’s going to play a part in whether I get to the event, whether I get up for work or make the family event.

The guilt of letting people down was the main reason I was single for over five years. From 2012 to 2017. If you are in a relationship there is an expectation to be social, to get involved in your partners friends circle and to be seen to be strong enough to be … Read the rest

Hello doodle peeps

111Welcome to my very new blog, Monkeys In My Head. This is a place where I will talking about my daily dealings with manic depression. I’m not sure where this will go and what will come of it.

I am not even sure if anyone will read it but I am hoping it will help me with my illness and, even maybe, help someone else in the same situation.… Read the rest

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