Category: Petes Ponders

Today’s daily depressive thoughts

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I’m tired and lost

I don’t know which I am the most

The truth about me … I’m lonely. I always want to be alone. Away from this life, I don’t want to call my own

I can’t connect with anything.

I feel hollow and numb. I very attempt to think sends me tired.

The sound of someone eating, the breath of a loved one, the crash of cutlery, the scrape of a plate sends me cold.

I can’t find the right things to say or do, but when I do it’s the same old shit that’s been in my head for years.

I’ve got stress coming from all sides

It’s all in my mind is all I hear

What does “me” mean? How and when do you know who you truly are?

I am already at a time in my life where I don’t care about what people think … Read the rest

Living a normal life with the monkeys

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In a world where everyone seems to want a voice, wants to be a YouTube star or a successful world-renowned artist, what it normal!?

The dictionary definition is:

normal
ˈnɔːm(ə)l/Submit
adjective
1.
conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
“it’s quite normal for puppies to bolt their food”
synonyms: usual, standard, typical, stock, common, ordinary, customary, conventional, habitual, accustomed, expected, wonted, everyday, regular, routine, day-to-day, daily, established, settled, set, fixed, traditional, quotidian, prevailing More

It was a rhetorical question in the beginning, but I think it’s worth asking. My personal explanation is; there’s no such thing as normal. Everyone has their own filter. Their own life experiences which they filter the world around them with. If you’ve got monkeys in your head, as I have, it’s adds a whole other complex dimension to that filter.

If you’ve had a tough childhood, been bullied at all or have any kind … Read the rest

I just don’t have the energy

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I’ve had a strange few of days. Being in a new relationship is definitely making me re-think who I truly am. I’m thinking so much, I am tired all time. It’s strange! I don’t mind at all because I am learning more about myself, and my place in this world, than I ever have before. I put it down to age, maturity and education, but my partner says it’s because of how we feel about each other.

To better understand myself and make sense of things, I have started writing notes on my phone when a situation occurs. Here a few from last week …..

I sit waiting for you to to get test hoping you don’t wear something that will bring attention to us. I just want to hide most of the time.

I’ve never felt the need to be needed or loved before now. 

Every day I hope … Read the rest

What is depression?

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There have been many great articles written about depression and what it is, but I feel, depression is a different experience and explanation to everyone suffering from, living with and managing it.

Here a few of my own thoughts from today.

It’s taken all my time to crawl upstairs to start writing something and I know that sounds dramatic but I feel very heavy today. Every conversation is a finger twanging the string across my mind.

I just don’t fit anywhere.

I’m getting angry at my own frustration of not being able to participate normally in my own life.

I have moments of blinding light and days of deathly darkness.

Some days I don’t have faith in anything. The more I think the worse I feel everything is completely useless and pointless.

Depression is laying in a sofa carrying an elephant on your chest while a hypnotist is trying to … Read the rest

Is it your depression or reality?

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This is quite a complex subject which has been discussed in conversations with my partner, Iza. Some situations occur where I am not sure if my depression is making the decisions or is the situations which are causing me to be depressed and react in uncharacteristic ways. I hope this makes sense.

The reason I ask is: one day in particular became steadily worse as it went on. Me and my partner were edgy with each other, as we usually are but something was different. There was a double edge of non-communication and frustration that we both hadn’t picked up while visiting friends. The night was ok and fun, but as we arrived home we were having heated words.

How I feel right now is, my depression is causing my mind to over think, over react and generally mix feelings and thoughts up. Which I understand and deal with best … Read the rest

Manic depression and a normal working life

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I want to talk about work and depression.
After I experienced an epic breakdown myself five years ago, I was forced to evaluate my life and career. This wasn’t the first time. In 2001 I had a million-pound company and lost everything to my manic depression. Once again in 2011 I lost everything I had worked hard for to the monkeys in my head. And this year, 2017, I have also had a sense that I could possibly lose everything to them. But, unlike before, this time I am fully aware of the repercussions and want to try an understand why, so I don’t repeat the same situation and I want to break the vicious cycle.
BTW, when I say “love everything”, I mean: lifestyle, money, car, house … etc. Material possessions and some friends. What I didn’t lose was the love from my son, my family and a handful … Read the rest